Overthinking and Dreaming....

"damn...you ain't nothing like such and such said...." - B.D.* Lifeguard at work


I had a pretty draining experience last night. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk. In between teeth chattering, and my body shivering, I broke into a sweat that took over the temperature in the room. I was cold outside, but the inside of me was burning up. I haven't felt like this in a good while. I put myself in bed after numerous attempts to stand up. Finally after catching my breath, I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

I miss good sleep like that. To actually go and fall out lifeless and engage in wonder as to what can happen in life is something real to me. I like to dream, and I finally figured out how to control them. I dream in color, with commercials and all that. Kind of like BET without the whack ass voice overs and the sorry editing. Oh, you can also take out the half hour block of commercials. Last night, I dreamed something that was so real I woke up feeling like I just been floating.

I guess I'm high on life.

I've come to the conclusion that I oversimplify things. Call me whatever you like. I said I was a thinker, and most of the time I tend to overthink the simple and make it complex. The complex I tend to make simple, in some cases, it helps me understand things better. In others, its my way of finding the bottom line of things so I won't be so confused. I lived a good portion of my life trying to understand without asking questions and ended up in a world of shit as to where the person was trying to lead me. I have done my best to keep it under control, especially if I know that I could be wrong. I'm not one of these fools who take shit and run, instead before it gets worse, I stop myself for correction and if I was wrong admit it. That's the person in me. It's when people get that person confused with the type of folks they dealt with that labels and unconcious comparasons begin, and you are left with not only trying to correct yourself, but trying to convince people that you are not what they think you are. I can't count how many times people who have been around me say "I didn't think you were like that, I'm glad I talked to you." or "Damn, you ain't nothing like such and such said." This normally happens when someone listens to me openly instead of pegging me as something and seeing if I can "prove them wrong". When it happens, then it turns into how I wasn't genuine because all I was trying to do is prove something. Well, don't put me in that category if you can't handle the step up, because chances are, it had nothing to do with proving anything. It's just me, and if people weren't so high up on what was wrong with me, then it would be easier to see what's been good with me the whole time.

I lost too many friends like that.

I woke up knowing who I am, and I go to sleep the same way. I can't allow anyone to take away from the person I am, I don't care who you are. If you want to go and think I'm this or that, then fine. I'm better off without you in my life reminding me. If you want to get to know me, and what's good. Then hey I'll give you a minute.

In the meantime it's back to sleep, back to dreaming.

when I wake up, I'll take myself somewhere to think for a bit :)

The SoD.