"It's been too hard livin', but I'm afraid to die..." Sam Cooke - A Change Is Gonna Come
The beginning, going to school just to bounce, playing basketball during class, hiding in the bathroom just cause, talking about what it's like to be with a white girl, holding it down when it came time to throw em up, AIC camp, the games at the family center, the fights, the not knowing what the future held, but living in the present. Helping you find the level 5 card in Metal Gear, you showing me how to beat Tyson in punch out.
The middle, you doing you, telling me how the 'business' was doing, trying your best to keep me out of it, holding the stash while you talked to cops on the block, giving P* the excuses while you was out hustling, getting drunk at Velvet together and had a two knockout fight, you finding out that there's things better than hustling, you finding that out too late.
The end, us meeting back up a week after your release, applying at the same job together without knowing, ending up on the same team, picking up where you left off, father now, woman to hold you down, you teaching me the trick to the 'grab' bag, beating up our teammate on different ends of the week for fucking us over, you listening to me when I was down about my relationships, our promise to always ride for each other, any of our 'real talk' sessions, playing Madden, trying to stay awake while on the highway behind each other, you asking me when I'm leaving, me telling you i'm going...you telling me that no matter what, when it goes down you want to be there....me telling you that it's etched in stone.....you asking me if I'm happy.....me telling you no....you holding me down when I needed someone to listen to me...inviting me out to the club....trying to not get mad with my vegetarian response....you going without me.....P* calling me to tell me the news.....
me trying to live without another friend.....
another son to live without his father....
and a mother who never became a widow.....
You did so well with everything, you stayed hustling, but not to the extreme of losing your family. You got a job and stayed on your grind even after our team dissipated. You made me see that the job was the one killing me and that I needed to do something before it killed the ones closest. I thank you for that, I thank you for being real with me, for actually being my friend. The bank is closed now, and I made sure P* got the keys.
my brother I never had.
I love you....I miss you....Rest In Peace.
A$.....1976-2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Overthinking and Dreaming....
"damn...you ain't nothing like such and such said...." - B.D.* Lifeguard at work
I had a pretty draining experience last night. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk. In between teeth chattering, and my body shivering, I broke into a sweat that took over the temperature in the room. I was cold outside, but the inside of me was burning up. I haven't felt like this in a good while. I put myself in bed after numerous attempts to stand up. Finally after catching my breath, I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.
I miss good sleep like that. To actually go and fall out lifeless and engage in wonder as to what can happen in life is something real to me. I like to dream, and I finally figured out how to control them. I dream in color, with commercials and all that. Kind of like BET without the whack ass voice overs and the sorry editing. Oh, you can also take out the half hour block of commercials. Last night, I dreamed something that was so real I woke up feeling like I just been floating.
I guess I'm high on life.
I've come to the conclusion that I oversimplify things. Call me whatever you like. I said I was a thinker, and most of the time I tend to overthink the simple and make it complex. The complex I tend to make simple, in some cases, it helps me understand things better. In others, its my way of finding the bottom line of things so I won't be so confused. I lived a good portion of my life trying to understand without asking questions and ended up in a world of shit as to where the person was trying to lead me. I have done my best to keep it under control, especially if I know that I could be wrong. I'm not one of these fools who take shit and run, instead before it gets worse, I stop myself for correction and if I was wrong admit it. That's the person in me. It's when people get that person confused with the type of folks they dealt with that labels and unconcious comparasons begin, and you are left with not only trying to correct yourself, but trying to convince people that you are not what they think you are. I can't count how many times people who have been around me say "I didn't think you were like that, I'm glad I talked to you." or "Damn, you ain't nothing like such and such said." This normally happens when someone listens to me openly instead of pegging me as something and seeing if I can "prove them wrong". When it happens, then it turns into how I wasn't genuine because all I was trying to do is prove something. Well, don't put me in that category if you can't handle the step up, because chances are, it had nothing to do with proving anything. It's just me, and if people weren't so high up on what was wrong with me, then it would be easier to see what's been good with me the whole time.
I lost too many friends like that.
I woke up knowing who I am, and I go to sleep the same way. I can't allow anyone to take away from the person I am, I don't care who you are. If you want to go and think I'm this or that, then fine. I'm better off without you in my life reminding me. If you want to get to know me, and what's good. Then hey I'll give you a minute.
In the meantime it's back to sleep, back to dreaming.
when I wake up, I'll take myself somewhere to think for a bit :)
The SoD.
I had a pretty draining experience last night. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk. In between teeth chattering, and my body shivering, I broke into a sweat that took over the temperature in the room. I was cold outside, but the inside of me was burning up. I haven't felt like this in a good while. I put myself in bed after numerous attempts to stand up. Finally after catching my breath, I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.
I miss good sleep like that. To actually go and fall out lifeless and engage in wonder as to what can happen in life is something real to me. I like to dream, and I finally figured out how to control them. I dream in color, with commercials and all that. Kind of like BET without the whack ass voice overs and the sorry editing. Oh, you can also take out the half hour block of commercials. Last night, I dreamed something that was so real I woke up feeling like I just been floating.
I guess I'm high on life.
I've come to the conclusion that I oversimplify things. Call me whatever you like. I said I was a thinker, and most of the time I tend to overthink the simple and make it complex. The complex I tend to make simple, in some cases, it helps me understand things better. In others, its my way of finding the bottom line of things so I won't be so confused. I lived a good portion of my life trying to understand without asking questions and ended up in a world of shit as to where the person was trying to lead me. I have done my best to keep it under control, especially if I know that I could be wrong. I'm not one of these fools who take shit and run, instead before it gets worse, I stop myself for correction and if I was wrong admit it. That's the person in me. It's when people get that person confused with the type of folks they dealt with that labels and unconcious comparasons begin, and you are left with not only trying to correct yourself, but trying to convince people that you are not what they think you are. I can't count how many times people who have been around me say "I didn't think you were like that, I'm glad I talked to you." or "Damn, you ain't nothing like such and such said." This normally happens when someone listens to me openly instead of pegging me as something and seeing if I can "prove them wrong". When it happens, then it turns into how I wasn't genuine because all I was trying to do is prove something. Well, don't put me in that category if you can't handle the step up, because chances are, it had nothing to do with proving anything. It's just me, and if people weren't so high up on what was wrong with me, then it would be easier to see what's been good with me the whole time.
I lost too many friends like that.
I woke up knowing who I am, and I go to sleep the same way. I can't allow anyone to take away from the person I am, I don't care who you are. If you want to go and think I'm this or that, then fine. I'm better off without you in my life reminding me. If you want to get to know me, and what's good. Then hey I'll give you a minute.
In the meantime it's back to sleep, back to dreaming.
when I wake up, I'll take myself somewhere to think for a bit :)
The SoD.
Monday, August 13, 2007
April In August
"the joke's on you jack....." LL Cool J - Bad Album
I played myself. You heard it here first. The one who yall think is on point with his done got tripped up and you know what?
I can admit that.
It's cool though, I put myself out there, and its cool that we can all sit back and laugh about it. I just hope we can laugh with each other than at. Anyway, I understand now that before I start thinking about stuff, I should read all the way through instead of skim. Now I see why I haven't finished college yet.
From artist to artist, shit is hot. Nuff said.
My joke's are full of tact as well, I think someone still owe's me an ass whoopin from the fateful 'call from jail' I pulled in high school. I see why that relationship didn't work out either. I just lied my ass off and she took me as just that, a liar who lied too well.
shit I thought she was just mad.
then there's the one that went down in 05 where myself and my better half shocked the world by doing the one thing that they thought could never happen.
and to think there's some who still ain't over that one.
and my moms who I get every year, from the dead dog trick (it was stuffed), to the clear kool aid in the spring water dispenser she takes it in stride as she takes the negative charge out of my car....
when I'm already late to work.
still though, it's good that jokes like that happen. You laugh, and you learn.
The Sod
I played myself. You heard it here first. The one who yall think is on point with his done got tripped up and you know what?
I can admit that.
It's cool though, I put myself out there, and its cool that we can all sit back and laugh about it. I just hope we can laugh with each other than at. Anyway, I understand now that before I start thinking about stuff, I should read all the way through instead of skim. Now I see why I haven't finished college yet.
From artist to artist, shit is hot. Nuff said.
My joke's are full of tact as well, I think someone still owe's me an ass whoopin from the fateful 'call from jail' I pulled in high school. I see why that relationship didn't work out either. I just lied my ass off and she took me as just that, a liar who lied too well.
shit I thought she was just mad.
then there's the one that went down in 05 where myself and my better half shocked the world by doing the one thing that they thought could never happen.
and to think there's some who still ain't over that one.
and my moms who I get every year, from the dead dog trick (it was stuffed), to the clear kool aid in the spring water dispenser she takes it in stride as she takes the negative charge out of my car....
when I'm already late to work.
still though, it's good that jokes like that happen. You laugh, and you learn.
The Sod
Monday, August 6, 2007
Slowly Recharging...
"It's only make believe when you don't believe..." The SoD
So with all that's new in the world, I ended the week pretty good. I still need to catch up on some sleep as I continue on my path to recovery. With so much going on, I haven't had time to recharge the batteries. Yet, for those who give a damn, I'm doing just fine.
My Celtics got Garnett now. Before I begin my tirade about being the top team in the East, lemme wait til like December. If we have a winning record, I'll talk a bit, anything else just know that I said NOTHING here you dig? You can talk all the shit you feel, but make sure it's something creative, I can be quite deadly with my words. I know a championship is distant, far as i'm concerned, it's only make believe if you don't believe.
I overslept this morning, hey good dreams will do that to you. I guess I need to really go to sleep like around 7 sometime this week. My circadian has been all types of off for these past couple of weeks, gotta get right.
On another note, I started a new position at the job, sitting on my ass for 8 hours isn't my idea of work, yet it's where I am health wise that puts me here, either way, it's all temporary. Well, except the pay of course.
I will be doing my thing on the 22nd of this month one time only in the place born and raised. After this there will be no more. I'm only doing it just to get it out of the way. As a matter of fact I need to write something rated PG at least, they talking about cutting mikes off if heads slip up.
Before I make moves, Big up my man Noodlz, getting married next weekend. I haven't forgot you or Uncle Sal, I will be there, and if you can tell Ma Forelli I just can't do the cheese! The fried dough is all me though, I love the sauce. Hai capito?
I'm out
The SoD
So with all that's new in the world, I ended the week pretty good. I still need to catch up on some sleep as I continue on my path to recovery. With so much going on, I haven't had time to recharge the batteries. Yet, for those who give a damn, I'm doing just fine.
My Celtics got Garnett now. Before I begin my tirade about being the top team in the East, lemme wait til like December. If we have a winning record, I'll talk a bit, anything else just know that I said NOTHING here you dig? You can talk all the shit you feel, but make sure it's something creative, I can be quite deadly with my words. I know a championship is distant, far as i'm concerned, it's only make believe if you don't believe.
I overslept this morning, hey good dreams will do that to you. I guess I need to really go to sleep like around 7 sometime this week. My circadian has been all types of off for these past couple of weeks, gotta get right.
On another note, I started a new position at the job, sitting on my ass for 8 hours isn't my idea of work, yet it's where I am health wise that puts me here, either way, it's all temporary. Well, except the pay of course.
I will be doing my thing on the 22nd of this month one time only in the place born and raised. After this there will be no more. I'm only doing it just to get it out of the way. As a matter of fact I need to write something rated PG at least, they talking about cutting mikes off if heads slip up.
Before I make moves, Big up my man Noodlz, getting married next weekend. I haven't forgot you or Uncle Sal, I will be there, and if you can tell Ma Forelli I just can't do the cheese! The fried dough is all me though, I love the sauce. Hai capito?
I'm out
The SoD
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